Old Man Yells at COVID-19 Trail Refugees

Trail Panties - WTF?

Like the rest of y'all, I'm under house arrest these days per orders from Gov. Gavin Newsome. Under his orders, we're all required to lay low at home and not go out except to engage in "essential activities." The list of activities that are considered "essential" is pretty obvious and includes buying groceries, going to the pharmacy, and seeking emergency medical assistance. I'm also pretty sure it includes hiking.

So last Saturday afternoon I broke from quarantine for some outdoor physical activity and to rejuvenate my withering soul. In an effort to minimize my travel, I opted for my local trailhead where I've hiked hundreds of time before instead of a more far-flung and "interesting" destination. Normally, this trailhead is pretty uncrowded even though it is easily accessible and immediately adjacent to the sprawl of the suburbs. 5-10 cars in the parking lot is typical, slightly more during the day on the weekends.

But on this particular day, when I arrived at the trailhead late afternoon, I was shocked at what I saw. The parking lot was stuffed with cars beyond capacity and there were folks crawling all over the hills and social distancing together. There was literally no place to park. Dejected, I turned tail and headed for a less popular trailhead 15 minutes away in a neighboring community. I'd never seen more than a car or two at this particular trailhead so I figured it was a decent bet for a chance of solitude far from the madding hordes. But even here, I found 11 cars parked and numerous casual hikers heading into the hills. Coroanavirus refugees all, no doubt.

As much as it frustrates me because I'm basically a selfish bastard who feel that "my" space is now being invaded, I get it. Working from home, kids out of school, restaurants, bars, malls, and movie theaters all closed. After a while, staring at the walls will cause even the homiest of home bodies to contemplate slitting their wrists. And getting outdoors and into the hills is a perfect antidote for those otherwise dark and self-destructive thoughts and urges. We that have been doing this for a very, very long time already know this. But, the people suddenly bum-rushing the trails now are not hikers. They are mall-walkers at heart. I don't necessarily say that disparagingly, but by and large, these folks are only out on the trail because they have no other options. Once this crises passes and the malls re-open, they'll happily abandon the wild places to us weirdos and introverts and things will go back to normal.

One of the glaring issues associated with newbies hitting the trails is that a good number of them aren't really outdoor enthusiasts. As a result, they aren't aware of and have little appreciation for trail etiquette. Neither are they instilled with an outdoor ethic that guides their behavior while out on the trail. So, as a public service announcement to those folks (and candidly, for others who go out frequently and ought to know better, but apparently don't), I offer up these useful trail tips for your next outing outside.

1. Pack it in, pack it out. This one is pretty simple. At least in concept. You carry something out into the hills, you bring it back out. In practice, however, this simple to understand principle is often not observed. So it bears repeating here: don't be a lazy asshole and leave your plastic water bottle or candy wrapper or beer can trailside or tucked strategically under some rock for someone else to deal with. Your mom isn't coming by later to clean up after you so be an adult, pick up your shit, and carry it out.

2. Pick up after your animal. This is a corollary to commandment no. 1 above. If you take your dog out on the trail, be prepared to pick up its shit. The trails are not your own personal dog park and the rest of us aren't amused by having to side-step little poo packets left on the path by your little (or big) bundle of fur. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT, pick up your dog's shit, put it in a little plastic baggie, and then leave that baggie on the trail as if you're going to come by later and carry it out. We all understand that game and know that that is just for show. So stop the pretense. And another thing. Stop bringing your dog on trails that are clearly marked "no dogs." I'm a rabid dog-lover. But Jesus Christ people. There are places where your dog shouldn't be: grocery stores, office buildings, restaurants, the dentist's office, and trails marked "no dogs."

3.  Don't leave your snot, sweat, and pee rags on the trail. What the actual fuck is with people leaving buger-encrusted, urine soaked, and shit-stained tissues trailside? How disgusting can you be to take a piss, wipe your crotch, and then drop the pee rag on the trail for all the world to see? If you must pee on the trail, air your crotch out naturally. Or if you insist on wiping yourself, bring a little plastic baggie and use it to pack your pee rag out. The same holds true for sweat rags. If you must wipe perspiration from your brow with a tissue, fine, but don't leave that sweaty, disgusting artifact on or near the trail. Better yet, bring a bandana along and use that instead. It's multi-functional and washable. And for the love of God and decency, don't take a big dump near the trail, wipe your ass, and then leave the mess for the rest of us to deal with. It's fucking disgusting and so are you if you do that.

4. Yield to uphill hikers. This is trail etiquette 101. Uphill hikers are working harder than you if you're coming down. They have the right of way. Give it to them unless they defer to you.

5. Hike single file. I get that you're out with your besties and want to chatter and catch up on all the latest gossip while you hike, but please do so single-file if the trail is narrow. If you're walking shoulder-to-shoulder in a group, you're not leaving space for others, particularly those going uphill (see commandment no. 4 above). This isn't the mall. Don't act like it is.

6. Keep your music to yourself. In my humble view, if you insist on listening to music while you hike, you're missing the point. But that's really none of my business. What is my business is being forced to listen to your shitty music while I'm in the hills. So if you can't walk out of the house without Cardi B or 2 Chainz as your incessant backdrop, bring your ear buds along. And use them. That is why God invented them after all. The rest of us don't think you're bitchin' because you have music on blast while you're hiking. We just think you're a self-indulgent douche (think the Harley-Davidson South Park episode).

Brubb Brub Brrrubbb Brub!

7. Nature doesn't need a paint job. Look, there's a time and place for graffiti. That time and place is in the urban core on the side of buildings, billboards, light posts, and whatnot. Not on the trail. So don't feel compelled to leave your brightly-colored mark on rocks and tree trunks and trail signs like a dog marking its territory. Nature doesn't give a shit about your little tagging crew. And neither do the rest of us.

8. Switchbacks are not made to be cut. On trails that switch back and forth up a steep hillside, you may be tempted to cut the switchbacks in favor of the more direct route. Don't do that. Cutting switchbacks creates erosion which fucks up the trail, kills vegetation, and can cause rocks and debris to dislodge onto hikers below. And at the end of the day, it really doesn't save you any time. If you're really that concerned about getting back to your house or car a few seconds earlier than you might otherwise, then just consider staying home in the first place.

9. Don't trample wildflowers to be an IG influencer. You want that perfect shot to post to Instagram. You're an "ooh, ahhh" junkie. I get it. I have an IG account too and regularly post content. But you know what? The outdoors is a big goddamn place. There's plenty of available vantage points from which to take pics which don't require you to run roughshod over the native vegetation. So use those vantage points and leave some flowers for everyone else to enjoy. The world wasn't made for just you.

10.  Follow the Golden Rule. No, not that Golden Rule silly  This Golden Rule: Don't be a dick. That is somewhat encapsulated in commandments 1-9 above, but it is worth stating explicitly. Acknowledge your fellow trailmates. Say hello. Help folks out if it looks like they need it. Be respectful of others. This ain't brain surgery folks. Go out and enjoy the outdoors, but make sure your enjoyment doesn't encroach upon or negatively affect others.

Well, that's all I've got for you. I'll yell at a cloud or kids on my lawn in another post. In the meantime, stay safe. Don't touch your face with your virus-infected hands. Keep your social distance. And for the love of Christ, don't hoard toilet paper. We ain't running out of that stuff any time soon.